It’s been asked numerous times throughout history by women across the world “why can’t I seem to find a good man?” Whether it is a family gathering with your aunties at the table or a quiet conversation amongst you and your closest friends, many women both young and old continue to rack their brains around the reasons why they get used, mistreated and most importantly cheated on.
In this new age of dating and relationships, young women who pride themselves on being honest, trustworthy and loyal relentlessly experience the heartache that comes with a bad break up after giving ample amounts of loyalty to the wrong man. Kirsten Corley of Puckermob quotes in her article “12 Things to Know Before Dating a Girl Who is Loyal to a Fault” “ Most women want a man that’s already established. A strong woman will be a part of his struggle, survive it, succeed together and build an empire.”-unknown. From personal experiences and related stories, I would have to disagree with Corley and this unknown assailant.
With the influence of social media memes and comedic acts, we have been conditioned to believe that “loyal women” come in the form of submissiveness, meek voices, and the ride or die personas that have been exemplified in both music, movies, and novels. For many of us who believe in love and happily-ever-afters, it is so easy to become brainwashed into this mentality of thinking.
” A strong woman will be a part of his struggle, but who is a part of hers?”
One of the many issues that I have with the loyal woman is that she wants to be so accommodating to the men in her life. She’s loyal to a fault as Corley describes when in all actuality she should only be loyal to herself until further notice. When in love, or at least the thought of being with someone who we share great feelings for, we tend to plan our lives based on who we perceive this man to be. He can be charming, caring and affectionate throughout the entire ordeal and BOOM, the switch up takes place then you’re stuck on stupid for the remainder of the situation-ship.
In an effort to live my life as freely as possible, I opted out of being the conventional relationship goer of dating, defining the relationship, checking his social media, then breaking up a few months down the line. Instead, I now put my energy into people who respect my outlook on how I chose to be loved.
Finding Yourself by Dating More than One Man
A good friend of mine once opened up to me about not being able to date multiple men at once without feeling like a “hoe”. I couldn’t help but laugh because many people believe that it is shameful to have more than one person in your life that you are getting to know. This logic is not only toxic to your mental growth but also limiting in relationship building and social skills.
Dating coach Eli Simone makes a clear point in telling women that, “until you’re in an exclusive relationship where the status has been discussed and agreed on, you are free to seek out other partners”. And as a black woman dating in 2018, I could not agree more! There have been countless times in the past where I would assert myself into an unknown relationship solely because I thought that the vibe was there. There was no prior agreement or discussion of a relationship, but that did not stop me from creating one all on my own.
I am proud to say that this is no longer my approach…
The purpose of me writing this is to school young women in their twenties on how to play the field but still be loyal to themselves. Hoe-ism for many black women has been and still is associated with dating various men at once, but the stigma has to be cut out of our minds in order to truly be satisfied in the areas of love, sex, and romantic fulfillment.
Many women including myself have fallen into the trap of wanting to see how their connection with one guy plays out. We end up hooked on a partner that’s not right because we focused in before we knew enough about him. My advice as a someone who advocates volume dating is to do your best to avoid getting emotionally attached early on and instead, just keep your heart and intentions open when meeting new people.
The key to dating multiple men is, to be honest about your actions and the outcome that you wish to see develop throughout each of your relationships. Put everything out on the table, and never pressure someone into dealing with you if they do not want to. For those of you who choose to have sex with more than one person, be mindful of the possible consequences that stem from it (ex: STD’s/STI’s, unexpected pregnancy, hurt feelings etc).
As a woman, we should be free to do whatever it is that we wish to do without letting double standards get in the way. Whether it be through dating multiple people at once, or taking things slow and getting to know one man without getting emotionally involved, dating can be fun if it is done on your terms and in a mature way.
Here are some reasons why dating more than one man at a time is a very smart strategy to find yourself and the love that you want:
- It’s fun and exciting
- It’s an effective way to find the right person
- It’s a smart way to boost your confidence and improve your dating/social skills
- Learning new ways to communicate and understand different types of people
- It keeps you from focusing on just one man early on
- Understanding your likes and dislikes in men AND in yourself
- A good way to weed out the f*ck boys
- It prevents you from being overly available
- You understand the importance of personal space and boundaries
Have any dating tips to give young women in their twenties? Comment below!