We all try to present the best versions of ourselves to beings that come into our lives. Whether it’s during big executive meetings or outings with new friends. Many of us are trying to face life head-on without revealing our innermost secrets out of fear of possible rejection or scrutiny. The root of this is one’s desires to be your best self, but oftentimes we battle with human emotions that get in the way of who we truly want others to see.
When it comes to dating, this same theory applies when meeting someone for the first time. We dress up, put on our best smile, and get swept up in the idea that he/she might “be the one” before last names are exchanged. It is natural to want to connect with another person, especially in this new age of dating but is we jumping the gun and putting on too much of a front just to become repeat offenders of broken-heartedness?
Throughout my journey of self-discovery and independence, I’ve noticed that the first three months of dating can be a fatal attraction. We wrap our hearts around someone’s vibe instead of working things out cognitively then when we least expect it, the vail drops and reality hits hard. A little too hard for most. Whats the truth to a stranger? And when do we stop playing games to get to what we actually want? Love, commitment, and a peace of mind.
The first month of dating is an exciting one. And in that excitement, it’s easy to jump ahead and make some big dating mistakes. In this time, you will look over vital clues that may make or break the coming months. Free passes go into effect during the first month because you are still trying to figure each other out and you quickly forget about the boundaries that you’ve set in place that I’ve discussed in many of my blog posts.
Of course in the first month, your new potential man/woman will open doors, offer to pay the bill, wear the most fashionable statements and call you frequently in an attempt to appear consistent. But what do they mind do? How are they’re actions reflecting what is being said? Are the two of you engaging in stimulating conversations or casual sex? Is it just a bunch of twenty-one meaningless questions of “What’s your sign?”, “What’s your favorite color?” and “When will I see you next?” or are the two of you actively planning the next outing?
Is he/she still calling and texting? Are plans for the weekend being made? Or has the new spark in your life drifted off into the night?
All of these things should be taken into consideration before falling madly in love with a stranger. If you are unsure of how much to share during the first month of courtship, here are a few questions that will better help you understand the person that you are getting to know:
When was your last relationship and why did it end?
By the first month of seeing this person, there should be a level of comfort that makes this question easier to pose, and also an expected one, if we’re being completely honest. How, when, and why your date’s last relationship broke off can tell you whether there are long-term intentions or if they’re looking for something more casual.
What are your political views?
If you’re like me, then your political views are pretty much nonexistent. I really do not have much of an opinion when it comes to what Donald Trump is doing but I am aware of current events and legislation that are going into effect. However, for those of you who do have viewpoints on politics, dating someone with different political views can mean that you two have opposing beliefs that can make navigating a relationship extremely difficult, or in some cases, completely impossible.
How’s your relationship with your family?
Coming from a very large close-knit family, this question and the answer I receive is extremely important in my dating life. Knowing about a person’s family background can reveal important details, like how they handle conflict and the lens through which they view relationships. Also, you might get answers to questions you didn’t ask, like whether they want children or how they feel about marriage.
If you’ve successfully made it through month one of dating don’t feel relieved just yet. After the first month, the mask is still on and fake personalities are flaring. Month two is where butterflies begin to form and your mind races at the thought of your new lover. The struggle with month two is that you’re still on the cusp of just dating, but your not quite in a full-fledged relationship, so expectations and cutting people off may not be on the table.
I know a lot of women and most men like to pull out the big guns on the first date and ask intrusive questions that may come off as high strung. For me, I enjoy going with the flow of things until a situation arises that needs to be addressed. Instead of asking him/her they ring size or when to start a joint bank account during month one, continue to use this time as a vetting process and take things slow.
Is he/she still calling and texting? Are plans for the weekend being made? Or has the new spark in your life drifted off into the night? Watch the person’s actions towards you and how he/she treats people in everyday life. If something isn’t adding up, then you may want to start asking the following:
Are you seeing other people?
This goes against my going with the flow mantra, but if dates are getting canceled and not enough time is being spent between the both of you then this question needs to be answered. It’s important to know well into month two so you don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Advice from a serial dater, ask the important questions at the right times to avoid hurt feelings, but also know when to draw back when the person does things that aren’t aligned with what you are looking for in a mate.
Are you looking for something long-term (with me)?
Be very specific when asking this question. The majority of us are looking for something long-term, but the question is does that person want something long-term with you. Don’t play yourself.
Congratulations on making it to month three. Here is when the facade will start to dissipate and true intentions will come to the surface. Comfort levels have been established and certain truths about one another may have come into play. If not, don’t worry, they will. Month three is where you want to continue to strengthen the relationship that the two of you have formed, but you also want to do some soul searching as to if this person is truly right for you.
Many people think that month three is the time to meet friends and family but hold off just a little bit longer. This time is to be taken seriously and anything that you do not value should not be lingering around. If things have been rocky in your new relationship, take some time for yourself to reevaluate certain aspects of the other person:
Is there real sexual chemistry?
Sex can be fun when you’re casually dating and winging it through life. But once you have communicated that you are in a relationship, it’s vital to have a chemistry that is hot both in and outside of the bedroom. If you ignore a lack of physical chemistry after a 3-month relationship, it’s unlikely to get any better down the road, so it’s worth seriously considering whether this is the best partner for you long-term if passion is something you want in your future.
Do you respect the way he/she lives?
The saying is true “opposites do attract” but how attractive is a lifestyle that doesn’t mesh well with yours? These things can so easily be ignored when you’ve only been dating for 3 months. You may at this point see his carelessness, or her inability to stick to her word or his weird moods as something that can be changed.
Are you both thinking about the same future?
Maybe it’s not time to sit down and talk about marriage and kids, but you should at least have an idea that you’re both roughly on the same page as far as the future is concerned. Make sure you have some of the big conversations listed above before jumping all in.
There’s no one size fits all when it comes to dating and relationships. Before you fall deep into an unknown assailant, do your research and be aware of the warning signs if red flags present itself.
We now live in a world of instant gratification and constantly seeking what’s next. Don’t rush love. Decipher the truth well before month three.
Have you been the victim the 3-month dating woes? Comment below and subscribe or join the conversation on Twitter!